Some Jokes For Bill Brownless

Aficionados of drive time radio in Melbourne may be aware that on Triple M’s show, Bill Brownless finishes up the show by taking a fairly ordinary joke and then slaughtering it. I figure I’d try to help out Billiam by providing him some of the eye rolling jokes that have come across my couch recently:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick , I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know?  He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”
Mick replies , “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Why did the lion get lost? Because jungle is massive.

So there you go Willus – try your hand with one of these.

My Random Noise about the WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

Random thoughts from watching the show.

This post is brought to you from Bruichladdie Port Charlotte 5.

What happened to Hugo Savinovich? (Meant to ask after the Royal Rumble but couldn’t be arsed posting.)

I’ve often wondered about Elimination Chambers from a live crowd perspective. Atmosphere aside, I think they probably come across better on TV than in person. There’s gotta be a lot of obstructed viewing going on during the match.

I enjoyed the Raw EC. It told us a good story and gave us how we get to Punk v Jericho at ‘mania. “I was never eliminated, I would’ve won, I’m the best in the world, etc.”

Just as well Santino has been booked into the Smackdown EC, otherwise how else would they have filled out the time without his training bits? Actually, I am being glib about Santino. I’m generally OK with his bits. One of my long running beefs about WWE is their need to take 5 minutes to deliver 30 seconds worth of information. With Santino, everyone seems to know they are stupid throwaway bits so they don’t give them any time. So Santino uses 30 seconds to deliver a single joke. As it should be.

Ah, we have a fluff piece for Cena. Isn’t this the sort of thing that usually goes on a pre-show? Ah, I see. Cena is actually a great guy. Stop booing him. How much are people expected to pay for this show? $50? For (just under) three hours. By my arithmetic, you paid $1.11 for that fluff piece. You can buy Where’s My Water on iTunes for $0.99. #JustSayin. I don’t have the exact data to hand, but I’m fairly sure that everyone who bought this PPV will also purchase Wrestlemania and have probably already committed to doing so. So I don’t really get the point of this ad. Unless they are appealing to all those nefarious swine who have watched this PPV without paying for it?

I can’t help at this point to speculate on the booking of Rock v Cena at ‘mania. It’s clear that WWE want to book Cena to win. But I think if that happens the crowd will turn as one, drop the tweeds and void their bowels in the general direction of the ring. And I think WWE knows that too and is worried about it. Will be interesting to see how they play it.

A pet hate of mine is Divas adjusting their clothing while they are supposed to be in excruciating pain or ‘out’ or at the very least totally focused on the fight. It’s one of those ‘break the moment’ things for me.

Facially Beth Phoenix reminds me of Courtney Thorne-Smith.

The “My name is….” has become the laziest bit of heel heat writing.

Argh. Why is this Laurenitis bit on PPV? Given that what, 5% of the Raw audience is theoretically watching this and that they will probably replay it anyway, wouldn’t it be better suited being first run on Raw? By the math above, this cost you $2.59 which is about half as much as CRZ was prepared to drive through the ice and snow to the supermarket for the other night. Again, #JustSayin.

Right, the Smackdown EC. I’m finding that this match is struggling to hold my attention. I can totally see why they are holding Bryan in a cell until last, ie to ‘protect’ him because he has to win. But in doing so they robbed the match of vital glue to assist the flow and storytelling experienced in the Raw match. I really think this lack of glue contributed to the Santino pop when he was active. Basically Santino was like a garlic aioli. Nothing much by itself, but when combined with a bunch of heavy proteins it provides a delightful uplifting zest and brings the whole dish together. To the point where you will keep a little of it to the side for mopping up with the last of your chips. It will never go over as the hero of the dish, but without it you’d never mention the dish again, instead talking up the bread and butter pudding.

I really liked the visual of Big Show playing the big angry cat trying to get at the goldfish. What I liked less was Jerry Lawler making the same observation seconds after I thought of it, so now everyone thinks I stole his bit. I have a similar issue with Alan Carr and old people’s obsession with paper shredders.

In a match like the Elimination Chamber, I’m not a fan of the schoolboy roll up. I know it’s Santino, but still.

Does Barrett have more tattoos since his old NXT days?

Dammit, I told Natalya to do the Barking Spider, not the Bitburr. Next time I visit the US I am totally going to a Packers game and buying one of those hats. Good old Hornswoggle, I guess you couldn’t put Santino in that bit as he just almost won your (supposed) equal highest title.

Cottage cheese. LOL, because Vicky is old and doesn’t have an eating disorder (maybe). And why was Swagger in wrestling gear? Are they the only clothes he has?

Hey, look at that! I’m older than The Rock…………… Fuck, I’ve wasted my life.

They should have announced this match on Smackdown and had it open the show. After two EC matches, the crowd had no energy left for this, and given that they had just shown skits, was probably in the pisser.

I had a quick rant in the latest Smackdown thread about the handling of Swagger. This match would’ve been the perfect opportunity to enact some of my recommendations. It was basically a nothing, glorified squash match anyway. Have Swagger do more power moves and have the announcers put over just how big he is, rather than prattle on about whatever it was they were. I mean Vicky’s arse is worthy of discussion, but still. I’m not actually proposing that Swagger be pushed, heavens no. The guy has the personality of a freshly laundered sea squarie. But the WWE are overlooking one of his most obvious assets that could make him much more effective in his current role.

As a former member of the military, Cena’s saluting on entrance has always annoyed me.

Embrace the Hate. This is a great concept. The trouble is that it has been executed really badly. During the Summer of Punk I used words like ‘challenging’ and ‘destructive’ and ‘different’ and ‘confident’ and ‘reflective’. The WWE flirted with those definitions and decided that it wasn’t really them. This could be another of those situations. They should realise that Cena is going to continue to be booed against the Rock. And to have Kane in the background subtly stirring the pot could add depth to the dream match feud. Maybe. This is why I tipped Kane to win this match. Had it come off I would have looked a genius. Instead I look an idiot. That’s often the way it is with boneheaded ideas.

And why was there a wheelchair under the ring?

I don’t like John Cena’s face. There I said it. I’ve thought it for a long time. It doesn’t convey emotion and that elicits an overly irrational response from me. I mean, ’12 Rounds’ was on TV here the other night – and he’s dangling by one arm off the side of a tram. If he falls, he probably dies. But he’s pulling the same fucking face he always has. No fear. No determination. No anger. Just John fucking Cena mugging. As such, I am overly harsh in noticing his bad acting rather than anything he does well. But Cena totally jumped from the gurney into the back of the ambo.

On the finish, I have no issue with them gaffing some of these bigger falls. Be nice if they could be a little more refined about it though.

So that’s the show done. There was a bit of a whiff of the ’95 Royal Rumble about this show. Something the scheduling of the show reflected. WWE felt this too, with the lack of big name star power in the chambers they put a nothing Cena match on last. So we’ve passed the last exit on the Road to Wrestlemania. No services for the next 6 weeks. Lets see what twists, turns and potholes they’ve got in store for us.

#PointsToSign

Car Crash Nomenclature

I’m not happy with the nomenclature we use when motor vehicles run into each other.

In this part of the world we like to refer to them as “accidents”. This annoys me. The overwhelming majority of them are not accidents. They are occurrences caused by one party doing something dumb.

They are collisions. They are crashes. They are NOT accidents.

I quite like the American system of calling them wrecks or fender benders. I’m not exactly sure where the demarkation between wreck and fender bender is though. I would posit that it hinges on the involvement of tow trucks. If you can drive away under your own power, fender bender.

So can we PLEASE stop calling them accidents, because they’re just not!

Every crash I’ve seen or been involved in was caused by some arsehat doing the wrong thing.

  • Too fast
  • Pissed
  • Fell Asleep
  • Pissed off / raging
  • Sick
  • Broken car / poor maintenance
  • Poor judgement
  • Ran out of ability
  • Not looking
  • Losing control

The root cause of all of these is “Fuckwit” not providence.

So next time, you didn’t have an accident, you had a crash or a collision and it was caused by someone, maybe you, fucking up!

Repeat Prescription

Repeat prescriptions are a funny thing. They make a bunch of sense with that awkward trouser infection some people can pick up whilst holidaying in South East Asia. You pop along to see Doctor Dan and he wisely estimates that it will take more than one course of antibiotics to clear up. So when he writes up the prescription he puts in a couple of repeats. You take your pills, and when you run out you pop down to the pharmacy for another box. Easy Peasy and makes a bunch of sense.

But what happens when you have one of those conditions that isn’t going to be fixed, yet can be controlled by medication? They sure as hell don’t give you a long reaching prescription, that’s for damn sure. You end up in this ever repeating hell of purposeless doctors appointments, and keeping track of how many pills and repeats you have on hand so you don’t get caught short.

It doesn’t make a heap of sense to me. You’ve been seeing the same Doc for years. Your condition is well understood. You’ve been taking the same meds for years and you’re demonstrably stable on them. Surely then they can give you more than half a dozen repeats? You just end up dropping $60 on an appointment where you chit-chat about how the Doc’s kids are doing in that expensive private school that you’re helping to pay for while she writes you up another six repeats. Wash, rinse repeat ad infinitum.

Apologists will suggest that this is so that the Doc can reassess your condition and make sure there have been no changes. I call bollocks on this for a couple of reasons. One, your appointments never pan out like this. Reassessment is only carried out when you suggest it. And besides, if you’ve got a long term medical condition, you understand it and how to live with it. If you detect a change, and you’re not a complete idiot, you going to go and see your doc anyway, right? And two, many clinics once you are known to them will provide you with a new prescription for a lower fee. You just ring them up, ask for another script and pop in later to pick it up from the receptionist without ever seeing a doctor.

The whole thing is just a scam.