My Random Noise about the WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

Random thoughts from watching the show.

This post is brought to you from Bruichladdie Port Charlotte 5.

What happened to Hugo Savinovich? (Meant to ask after the Royal Rumble but couldn’t be arsed posting.)

I’ve often wondered about Elimination Chambers from a live crowd perspective. Atmosphere aside, I think they probably come across better on TV than in person. There’s gotta be a lot of obstructed viewing going on during the match.

I enjoyed the Raw EC. It told us a good story and gave us how we get to Punk v Jericho at ‘mania. “I was never eliminated, I would’ve won, I’m the best in the world, etc.”

Just as well Santino has been booked into the Smackdown EC, otherwise how else would they have filled out the time without his training bits? Actually, I am being glib about Santino. I’m generally OK with his bits. One of my long running beefs about WWE is their need to take 5 minutes to deliver 30 seconds worth of information. With Santino, everyone seems to know they are stupid throwaway bits so they don’t give them any time. So Santino uses 30 seconds to deliver a single joke. As it should be.

Ah, we have a fluff piece for Cena. Isn’t this the sort of thing that usually goes on a pre-show? Ah, I see. Cena is actually a great guy. Stop booing him. How much are people expected to pay for this show? $50? For (just under) three hours. By my arithmetic, you paid $1.11 for that fluff piece. You can buy Where’s My Water on iTunes for $0.99. #JustSayin. I don’t have the exact data to hand, but I’m fairly sure that everyone who bought this PPV will also purchase Wrestlemania and have probably already committed to doing so. So I don’t really get the point of this ad. Unless they are appealing to all those nefarious swine who have watched this PPV without paying for it?

I can’t help at this point to speculate on the booking of Rock v Cena at ‘mania. It’s clear that WWE want to book Cena to win. But I think if that happens the crowd will turn as one, drop the tweeds and void their bowels in the general direction of the ring. And I think WWE knows that too and is worried about it. Will be interesting to see how they play it.

A pet hate of mine is Divas adjusting their clothing while they are supposed to be in excruciating pain or ‘out’ or at the very least totally focused on the fight. It’s one of those ‘break the moment’ things for me.

Facially Beth Phoenix reminds me of Courtney Thorne-Smith.

The “My name is….” has become the laziest bit of heel heat writing.

Argh. Why is this Laurenitis bit on PPV? Given that what, 5% of the Raw audience is theoretically watching this and that they will probably replay it anyway, wouldn’t it be better suited being first run on Raw? By the math above, this cost you $2.59 which is about half as much as CRZ was prepared to drive through the ice and snow to the supermarket for the other night. Again, #JustSayin.

Right, the Smackdown EC. I’m finding that this match is struggling to hold my attention. I can totally see why they are holding Bryan in a cell until last, ie to ‘protect’ him because he has to win. But in doing so they robbed the match of vital glue to assist the flow and storytelling experienced in the Raw match. I really think this lack of glue contributed to the Santino pop when he was active. Basically Santino was like a garlic aioli. Nothing much by itself, but when combined with a bunch of heavy proteins it provides a delightful uplifting zest and brings the whole dish together. To the point where you will keep a little of it to the side for mopping up with the last of your chips. It will never go over as the hero of the dish, but without it you’d never mention the dish again, instead talking up the bread and butter pudding.

I really liked the visual of Big Show playing the big angry cat trying to get at the goldfish. What I liked less was Jerry Lawler making the same observation seconds after I thought of it, so now everyone thinks I stole his bit. I have a similar issue with Alan Carr and old people’s obsession with paper shredders.

In a match like the Elimination Chamber, I’m not a fan of the schoolboy roll up. I know it’s Santino, but still.

Does Barrett have more tattoos since his old NXT days?

Dammit, I told Natalya to do the Barking Spider, not the Bitburr. Next time I visit the US I am totally going to a Packers game and buying one of those hats. Good old Hornswoggle, I guess you couldn’t put Santino in that bit as he just almost won your (supposed) equal highest title.

Cottage cheese. LOL, because Vicky is old and doesn’t have an eating disorder (maybe). And why was Swagger in wrestling gear? Are they the only clothes he has?

Hey, look at that! I’m older than The Rock…………… Fuck, I’ve wasted my life.

They should have announced this match on Smackdown and had it open the show. After two EC matches, the crowd had no energy left for this, and given that they had just shown skits, was probably in the pisser.

I had a quick rant in the latest Smackdown thread about the handling of Swagger. This match would’ve been the perfect opportunity to enact some of my recommendations. It was basically a nothing, glorified squash match anyway. Have Swagger do more power moves and have the announcers put over just how big he is, rather than prattle on about whatever it was they were. I mean Vicky’s arse is worthy of discussion, but still. I’m not actually proposing that Swagger be pushed, heavens no. The guy has the personality of a freshly laundered sea squarie. But the WWE are overlooking one of his most obvious assets that could make him much more effective in his current role.

As a former member of the military, Cena’s saluting on entrance has always annoyed me.

Embrace the Hate. This is a great concept. The trouble is that it has been executed really badly. During the Summer of Punk I used words like ‘challenging’ and ‘destructive’ and ‘different’ and ‘confident’ and ‘reflective’. The WWE flirted with those definitions and decided that it wasn’t really them. This could be another of those situations. They should realise that Cena is going to continue to be booed against the Rock. And to have Kane in the background subtly stirring the pot could add depth to the dream match feud. Maybe. This is why I tipped Kane to win this match. Had it come off I would have looked a genius. Instead I look an idiot. That’s often the way it is with boneheaded ideas.

And why was there a wheelchair under the ring?

I don’t like John Cena’s face. There I said it. I’ve thought it for a long time. It doesn’t convey emotion and that elicits an overly irrational response from me. I mean, ’12 Rounds’ was on TV here the other night – and he’s dangling by one arm off the side of a tram. If he falls, he probably dies. But he’s pulling the same fucking face he always has. No fear. No determination. No anger. Just John fucking Cena mugging. As such, I am overly harsh in noticing his bad acting rather than anything he does well. But Cena totally jumped from the gurney into the back of the ambo.

On the finish, I have no issue with them gaffing some of these bigger falls. Be nice if they could be a little more refined about it though.

So that’s the show done. There was a bit of a whiff of the ’95 Royal Rumble about this show. Something the scheduling of the show reflected. WWE felt this too, with the lack of big name star power in the chambers they put a nothing Cena match on last. So we’ve passed the last exit on the Road to Wrestlemania. No services for the next 6 weeks. Lets see what twists, turns and potholes they’ve got in store for us.



YouTube of the Week

I loved this song back in the ’80’s. I first heard it during a Metal special on an all night music show. Some classic European Metal. All helped by a smoking hot blonde with a big voice. I remember hitting every record shop that I could find looking for the album that this song came from. *For the young’ns that might stumble past here by accident, record shops were where we would get our music from back in the olden times, back before it was just easier to just steal it online.

I still have the original album on cassette somewhere. Triumph and Agony I think it was called. I can’t be arsed looking for it, or even Googling the name to make sure I’ve got it right so don’t bring any attitude if it’s wrong.

Oh, and the lead singer, Doro Pesch, is still going strong I believe.

I give you Warlock – All We Are:

Car Crash Nomenclature

I’m not happy with the nomenclature we use when motor vehicles run into each other.

In this part of the world we like to refer to them as “accidents”. This annoys me. The overwhelming majority of them are not accidents. They are occurrences caused by one party doing something dumb.

They are collisions. They are crashes. They are NOT accidents.

I quite like the American system of calling them wrecks or fender benders. I’m not exactly sure where the demarkation between wreck and fender bender is though. I would posit that it hinges on the involvement of tow trucks. If you can drive away under your own power, fender bender.

So can we PLEASE stop calling them accidents, because they’re just not!

Every crash I’ve seen or been involved in was caused by some arsehat doing the wrong thing.

  • Too fast
  • Pissed
  • Fell Asleep
  • Pissed off / raging
  • Sick
  • Broken car / poor maintenance
  • Poor judgement
  • Ran out of ability
  • Not looking
  • Losing control

The root cause of all of these is “Fuckwit” not providence.

So next time, you didn’t have an accident, you had a crash or a collision and it was caused by someone, maybe you, fucking up!

Hooker Watch of the Week

Warm and humid day yesterday. Almost tropical you could say. Although if you’ve actually been to the tropics you probably wouldn’t.

The weather brought the hookers out onto the street and the punters sniffing around as well. Seemed to be a noticeable amount of taxi cabs doing the cruise. Summer springs eternal, especially if you’re a randy cab driver?

So during the early afternoon I was out running errands and I think I spotted about six of them plying their trade. A lot of new girls that I haven’t seen before. Warm weather and the start of silly season perhaps? Or maybe earning a little extra cash to pay for Christmas gifts. *For my man, Bobba, here’s a festive 8-ball. Merry Christmas!* Hey, if anyone knows, what’s the meth or ice equivalent of an 8-ball? My references are pretty dated.

We had an attractive looking Mediterranean woman wearing a low cut black dress. Not seen her or the dress before. Nice boobs, the majority of which were on display.

Also brought out by the warm weather and increased activity were the police. I got stuck behind them as they hassled one of the girls standing on the corner. Given that I was just trying to get into my carpark across the street, I briefly considered giving them a toot to hurry them up, but figured discretion was the better part of valour on this occasion. The next time I was out I saw the same car with lights flashing hassling some more girls up the street.

Presumably they swept all the girls up, as when I went out in the evening none of the girls I spotted earlier were around. Although being a warm night they had been replaced by another set. One cheeky little minx was standing there in a short mini dress type arrangement. She had hitched it up over the hips slightly, resulting in the tiniest flash of her knickers as you drove past.

It pays to advertise I guess.

YouTube of the week

If you’ve ever wondered why Cat Stevens turned his back on the commercial music industry to embrace religion, we might have the answer here. I didn’t even realise this song existed until very recently. I love the simpler video clips of the 70’s and 80’s.

I especially love the expressions on the old lady’s face when she does the ‘deodorant check’.

I also like the look of incredulity followed by serenity of the lady in the supermarket.

See if you can listen to the song all the way though and not get it stuck in your head for the rest of the day. You have been warned! Dangerous levels of earworm potential!

So, here it is – Banapple Gas, by Cat Stevens:

Gay Marriage

Seriously, how has this debate taken any longer than 15 minutes? This should have been sorted out on a Friday afternoon just before knock-off.

You just pick a stance and announce that as your policy and move on. Regardless of whether your decision is yes or no, you’re going to piss off a bunch of people. And a segment of those people won’t vote for you again at the next election. That consequence comes with decision making.

You announce that homosexuals will be able to marry and all the religious nut jobs will carry on like two bob watches. You announce that marriage is only for hetro couples and the homosexuals will be pissed off. There is no avoiding it, so just deal with it.

Instead we have this stupid situation where the government is hinting ‘no’ without any real conviction in the hope of stringing both sides of the argument along, therefore not pissing anyone off enough to vote differently next time we go around. The world famous ‘non decision’ decision. We’ve had studies, polls, debates and discussions. Now there’s talk of talking about voting for the possibility a ‘conscience vote’ at some point down the track. Even though everyone involved knows that such a ‘conscience vote’ has a zero chance of actually succeeding unless the opposition does the same thing. Which they won’t. Partly because they’re conservatives and partly to fuck over the government with the hopes of creating enough discord to raise the possibility of a no confidence vote. It’s like an episode of Yes Minister, only not funny or in any way entertaining.

Why all the hassle? It’s pretty simple really. I’ve long held the belief that politicians care foremost about holding power, and everything else becomes a very distant second. Politicians that are happy to flip flop on policy in order to maintain the afore mentioned power. So with a minority government that has taken a flogging for most of it’s term the number one policy is: Don’t do anything that could lead to an early election being called. Because we’ll probably lose.

What about observing the will of the people? Implementing policy that the majority of people want? Pfft! That doesn’t matter. It’s never fucking mattered. But at least in other times politicians seemed to have a little ideology about them! And give back the word “pragmatic” while we’re about it. It used to have a degree of common sense about it. These cretins have turned it into “politician who stands for nothing!”