These Things

There are many, many, many things in this world that I do not understand. Many.

73 year olds becoming Dads.

Three seasons of Married at First Sight.

But chief amongst these impossibles of imponderables are the mates attending sporting contests who, upon an inspiring piece of play, do not cheer or shout. But instead turn to congratulate each other. High fiving and the like. As if they had the first fucking thing to do with any of it.

Well played. Good game.

Ideas People – Gettin Shit Done!

Some of these came across the couch through the week. Thank fuck the smart people are still getting shit done and not just trying to become ‘stars’ in whatever the latest reality show du jour is. I look forward to the day when I can buy this stuff from Bunnings.

Rock on, clever fuckers.

YouTube of the week

Aww, I thought I’d already posted this, but apparently I hadn’t.

Behold the greatness of Belinda Carlisle performing ‘live’ with the guitarist from the band  Zodiac Mindwarp. I strongly suspect that alcohol may have been a factor:

Be sure to stick it out until about 3/4 of the way through to see one of the more ridiculous fake, mimed guitar solos you will ever see! 🙂

One of the true nuggets of awesomeness contained within YouTube. Enjoy.

I’ve always had a soft spot of the all girl bands (actual rock bands, not the all girl boy bands of today) and the Go Go’s remain one of my favourites. This album continues to make up  a part of my work day playlist:

https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/return-to-valley-go-gos/id39351265

Some Jokes For Bill Brownless

Aficionados of drive time radio in Melbourne may be aware that on Triple M’s show, Bill Brownless finishes up the show by taking a fairly ordinary joke and then slaughtering it. I figure I’d try to help out Billiam by providing him some of the eye rolling jokes that have come across my couch recently:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick , I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know?  He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”
Mick replies , “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Why did the lion get lost? Because jungle is massive.

So there you go Willus – try your hand with one of these.

The Furore Cycle in the Social Media Age.

Somebody in the public eye says or does something dumb.

A bunch of people are offended and take to their social media tool of choice to register their outrage.

Many more people see this, and although they probably never saw or heard the original offence giving item, pile on with more outrage.

Outlets of “proper news” pick up on the swelling outrage and although they probably should ignore such things, are very threatened by the ‘new media’ and want to appear hip and relevant so they report it as actual news.

The rest of the population who has so far remained ignorant of the offence are now “fully informed” and also pile on, registering their outrage.

Trolls will appear, usually sprouting things like offended people having no sense of humour.

The person who made the original fuck up is surprised and probably upset by all the anger. They may distance themselves from social media temporarily so as to avoid being called a cunt by all these people they’ve never heard of.

Other people in the public eye who are probably friends or otherwise like the poor, stupid soul currently being burned at the virtual stake think the level of vitriol is excessive, especially when contrasted with the vitriol fired at the last dumb thing Dermott Brereton said and will start to defend them in the social media.

The angered masses will then take task with these other public peoples. Discussions will start with “I can’t believe you…..” and likely end with “ur a cunt”.

Mass unfollowings, unfriendings and blockings will ensue.

At some point, depending mainly on the type of person who made the original fuck up, they may or may not apologise.

Everyone will then settle back into their lives and wait for the next furore to erupt.

On a good day, we can get through this whole cycle before lunch!